damn you Starbucks, I can't quit you... Or can I?

I am one of the anti-Wal-Mart chicks. In fact, so is dear hubby as they are unabashadly (sp) anti-union and DH is a union member teacher. Power to the people! Anyway, we don't shop there namely due to poor business practices and it is all the freakin way over in College Place, not to mention I have yet to go there when someone isn't screaming at the top of their lungs to their kid, spouse, some random person. I am not trying to be a snob, I just like to shop in a calmer environ. I work a pretty busy job with chaotic (at times) people and need a more zen shopping experience. Anyway, one co-worker helpfully pointed out that my frequent treks to Starbucks is also "feeding the corporate machine." Yeah, it is. Bad Diane. Especially after being shamed into realizing I spend hard earned money on caffeine, sugar, and fat while people in Haiti are eating cakes MADE OUT OF DIRT! Yeah, it is true, here is link to a news story about it: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/business/jan-june08/food_04-29.html
We should be outraged by this. We should be outraged by a lot of things. We should also be ashamed by this. Particularly our own hypocrisy. We live in one of the richest countries in the world (present economic woes haven't changed this fact entirely), we eat fake food all the time, we give little thought to how we live our life impact the rest of the world, and, yes, even our neighbor. Since becoming a parent (typical, eh?) I have become more and more concerned over the state of "things." Dear hubby and I are working incrementally on living more green. We want to have a farm that will hopefully be able to be pretty much fully sustainable eventually, if not at least in trade with people near by for what we are unable to produce. I refuse to entertain the thought of owning a vehicle that would is bigger than some homes, and suck of more resources. Now, I am a hypocrite about this too. We use disposable diapers. We have a heat pump (I really am a wimp about heat) for airconditioning. We use the dishwasher a lot (although with phosphate free detergent). But we are always looking at how we can be more responsible with what we have, and try and leave our little world a better place for Jude and the next generation. Hopefully they will be wiser than we have been.

options....

My dear hubby and I are planning on having another child...soon. This brings a variety of emotions and concerns; money, time, working and juggling parenthood, etc. However, for us we also have the concern over another premature delivery, which I am at increased risk for due to having one preemie already. Everyone tries to be really encouraging, we hear a lot of "it won't happen again" or "you had such a scare last time, you are due a boring and safe pregnancy." Well, wonderful thoughts and good intentions aside, I am still a little bit anxious about another pregnancy. Jude is doing great, which has been a huge relief for both of us. 90% of 32 weekers have no ongoing complications, however there was a risk of cerebal palsy, vision problems, ongoing respitory problems, and more. Not to forget the frightening experience of an emergency c-section, followed by Jude being sent to nearest NICU over an hour away, the month in the hospital, crippling post partum depression, and a hydrocephelus scare when he was 6 months old. Looking at him, one really would not know about his scary start; but I won't ever forget it. So, I have not lost the 40+ lbs I wanted to lose prior to another pregnancy ( although I am not heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Jude!), and I am still taking antidepressants. I am really leaning toward d/c the lexapro, at least for the 1st and 3rd trimesters, as I am just not comfortable with the risks, albeit small. Plus, the information available about the safety is so polarizing; there are those who insist there is too much risk and others who see little to no risk. The PPD following Jude's birth was bad, and it took me a couple months to realize I was as depressed and anxious as I was; and I am a mental health professional! I can see there were factor around his birth contributing this, and the research and reading I have done points to links between emergency c-sections and PPD, as well as the impact of additional stress on PPD. I am contemplating treating any depression I may experience with acupuncture during pregnancy. I have had a little experience with it, and have read and heard about the benefits of it and know the risk to a pregnancy would be pretty much nil.

Mommy guilt.

So, as much as I want to think I do not buy into the whole idea that as a working mother I need to feel guilty for doing so; I am finding myself freaking out over the prospect of going to a week long training in a few weeks. I was asked a month or so ago if I wanted to attend a training for "co-occurring mental health and substance abuse disorders in adolescence" and I am excited to go. However, I will have to me away from Mr. too cute for words for 5 nights! I feel like a bad mommy. Even though I know that my child will be wonderfully taken care of by dear hubby, and both of our mothers would only be a phone call away, it really bugs me that I am going to be gone. He is 2 now and will remember mommy being gone for awhile. Although he is 2 now and this is probably the best time for me to go on a week long training, as we plan to have another child in the next year, and leaving 2 would pretty much do me in.
Seriously though, I generally do not feel like a bad mommy because I work outside the home. We are fortunate to have really great care providers and Jude is around other kids, which is great for him. He is a happy child, and he has a happy mommy. Plus he has a great daddy who is a huge part of the success of our being able to juggle being a 2 income family. I want to be a good role model for my child, not to mention be able to afford to help him go to college, med school, etc. And, for the first time ever, I feel challenges and fulfilled by the work I do, although if I won the lottery, I would work less hours.
Which leads me to a soap box issue for me; if we are really a nation that the GOP would like to say emphasizes "family values" then we would move toward a system like much of Europe has; which provides generous, paid family leave for parents, and where women do not have to stall their career aspirations in order to stay home and raise children. With the state of our precarious economy, it is a pretty risky proposition for a family to depend on one income earner to provide all current and future (i.e. retirement) financial needs. My mother raised me to be an independent woman, to be able to take care of myself and my family should the need arise, and I proudly say I could do so.

back to the blogging world

It has been awhile. Jude, who had made an early arrival into the world, is almost 2. We had a birthday party for all his little friends at the local children's museum, which was fun. He talks... a lot; most of which I can understand even. He also can throw an amazing temper tantrum, often over the most mundane things... ah life with a toddler.
I am one of those mommies; you know, a mommy who works outside the home. While I feel some guilt over this fact, I also enjoy the work I do and am happy I contribute almost half our family income at this time. I am fortunate to be married to an educator who can be off for the summers and is a dedicated father. It isn't perfect, but I love my life. I am proud to be a working parent.